None of my kids would say I’m cool, but I’m sure there are moments when they find me clueless. My gut tells me that I’m only relevant when one of them needs something. Isn’t this what fatherhood is about?
This year, our family has reached some milestones, and one commonality I’ve noticed is that I feel relevant in my mind. Still, in reality, I often think otherwise.
Dads have been portrayed throughout time as being clueless. This is partly because many men hate to ask for help. If we did seek help, we would see different perspectives of the situation. Instead, we stubbornly try to handle things our way, which often leads us to say or do something that seems clueless.
Do you agree?
When it comes to celebrating our kids’ life events, I want to be present both physically and emotionally for them. One example that comes to mind is our son graduating from college this past May. I’m not sure if this will make sense, but I’ll do my best to explain. My former wife and her husband were there, as they should be, but I felt as if I were as far away from being relevant as possible. Yes, I was a dad who did my best to be present, but my feelings told me that because he lived with his mom, I was less of a man.
Another example that I probably need to talk about in therapy is that my wife and I became grandparents for the first time. I can already imagine a therapist pointing to the couch as I explain my feelings. Because I am not the biological dad, I sometimes feel as though I am not really part of the family. It makes me feel clueless.
My thoughts, shaped by my age and the dynamics of my family, occupy my mind.
In my experience, I wasn’t a bad dad, and I want to embrace being a grandfather. However, what weighs on my mind is my struggle with self-worth.
Have you ever felt that others didn’t believe in you and that their disbelief became a part of your DNA?
Here are some thoughts on feelings of irrelevance or feeling uncool within your family. Instead of trying too hard to fit in, it’s sometimes best to embrace the feeling of being clueless. Here’s why: it doesn’t mean you’re ignoring the situation; it might just be a numbing feeling.
Listen, we know you are a vital member of your family, even on those days when you feel like you’re rocking your rainbow-colored Vans. Your family supports you, and you support them in return.
You are cool, you are relevant, and yes, you might be clueless. Remember, even people who consider themselves geniuses can be clueless at times.
Tommy has spoken at TEDx Loveland, Ignite Fort Collins, and was a keynote speaker at the Everything Dad Convention. He has also received speaking awards from Toastmasters International.
He is the author of several books, including “25 Tips for Divorced Dads,” “Why Not You, Why Not Me,” and his latest release, “My Dad’s Advice at 5:04 AM.” Additionally, Tommy has contributed to various magazines, including The Good Men Project, Modern Gladiator, and Nurture Magazine. He also writes for The Greeley Tribune.
In his spare time, Tommy enjoys sipping a good red blend while writing or retreating for some quiet moments away from family. He is a father to Betsy, Becca, Connor, and Duke (RIP), and a husband to Ann.
👋 I’m Tommy Maloney, a dad coach helping men navigate real-life experiences with a specialization in blended families.
Contact him at
hello@tommymaloney.com
