How can I express my thoughts on this matter without implying that there are intimacy issues in my marriage? In reality, everything is fine, although I’m not particularly fond of the word “fine,” as it suggests that things are not truly okay. Well, perhaps things are not entirely fine.
For those of you with children, regardless of their ages, think back to when they were born. Intimacy often takes a backseat when you’re caring for kids. You and your partner might be tired, the timing might not feel right, or one of you may be in the mood while the other isn’t.
Can you relate?
Currently, my wife and I are facing timing issues—our bedroom situation is chaotic.
When I became a new father, my first marriage was already falling apart, so conversations about sex were infrequent. We had chosen to sleep in separate rooms, believing that staying together for our son’s sake was the best option. However, I eventually realized that this arrangement was not healthy for our son. As you continue reading, you’ll find that the choice to sleep in separately is not available.
Have you heard of the term “boomerang kid”? It refers to an adult child who moves back in with their parents due to financial reasons. We have one of those, but in this case, it’s because a relationship went south. I’m perfectly fine with this situation, but there’s another family issue that has been ongoing for nearly three years and is causing increasing tension.
Let me give you a glimpse into our household dynamics. My wife and I, along with our family dog, Otis, have recently had one of our daughters move back in with us. Are you with me so far?
We are also nearing the three-year mark of having my wife’s adult nephew living with us. This arrangement was meant to be temporary (I roll my eyes as I write that). Oh, and I can’t forget the other pets—another dog, Louie, and a cat, Raj, all contribute to our family dynamics.
Now you know the key players. Here’s why my sex life feels doomed—DOOMED, I tell you.
Sometimes, the house feels like a busy thoroughfare. My nephew and daughter have differing schedules for their comings and goings. I won’t bore you with the details, but one person is coming home late from work, while the other is spending time with their significant other, who lives on the other side of town.
Our bedroom is right off the garage, which means sleep patterns are constantly interrupted by the foot traffic entering the house.
This post isn’t meant to be a complaint about the lack of physical intimacy. My wife and I are still that annoying couple who hold hands in public and in the car. We still enjoy date nights and going on hikes together. We genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
However, until two humans, a dog, and a cat vacate the house, the timing will be off. So, what can we do?
We will continue to enjoy our dates, hikes, and hand-holding. We can seek out other interests that connect us emotionally, not just physically.
My mantra is that situations are not permanent.
There are upcoming trips where we won’t have to stress over forcing intimacy. I also want to emphasize that there’s pressure to make intimacy happen. Some people believe that a “quickie” can be a substitute, and I can see how they might think that. For me, however, that’s not the case. I prefer cuddling. Yes, I said it, and no, I won’t relinquish my man card for admitting that!
Relationships are a sacrifice. I can say that this situation is not what I signed up for. Again, when you are in a solid relationship, you need to take the good with the bad.
When my first wife wanted to talk to me about getting a divorce, I had asked her if we could talk later, and what was her one-word response? “FINE!” I want to point out that even when we face life’s challenges, things usually work out for the best.
Are things always going to be fine? No, but it is how we handle the issues.
Even if you are not a parent, but you’re in a relationship where things aren’t fine. Use my mantra of realizing that nothing is permanent. We will do crazy things for love, and sacrificing our sanity is part of it.
If you asked me how I’m doing, I wouldn’t just say “fine.” Instead, I would tell you, “It’s a day above ground, and that’s a good thing.” Remember, life is meant to be enjoyed, even on the days when everything seems just fine.
Tommy Maloney is a speaker, author, and coach who helps dads and bonusdads lead more meaningful, connected, and confident lives. A TEDx and Ignite presenter, he has spoken at national events including the Everything Dad Convention and earned awards from Toastmasters International for his engaging and relatable storytelling.
He’s the author of several books on modern fatherhood and blended families, including 25 Tips for Divorced Dads, Why Not You, Why Not Me, and My Dad’s Advice at 5:04 AM. His writing has been featured in The Good Men Project, Modern Gladiator, Nurture Magazine, and The Greeley Tribune.
When he’s not coaching or writing, Tommy enjoys a good red blend and a quiet moment away from the chaos of family life. He’s a proud father to Betsy, Becca, Connor, and Duke (RIP), and husband to Ann.
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